a message is coming

"I'm searching for something that I can't reach."

Last week, I posted this photo on Instagram. It was a card spread using the Wisdom of the House of Night deck that a dear friend had gifted me. What kept coming up was that a message was on the way. Like, literally every card I pulled prompted me to pull another that only expanded on the fact that a message was coming and I should just be aware of that.

I don't pay too much attention to what the cards are trying to tell me. In this particular instance I asked for guidance on what's next or for a message I need to hear. I prayed that my angels guide me, protect me, and hold me in the warmest, safest, and brightest light. What was coming back, over and over, loud and freaking clear was that a message was on its way. So, you bet I began paying attention.

The messages continue to come. I believe that card reading prompted me to unblock and listen, because for the longest time, I've just been floating by . . . untethered from my root anchor.

Something happened. This was not the message but something did happen. We found out that my husband, who has heart disease, now has another heart condition called bradycardia. You can look it up. His case is not critical or life threatening but it can become both with age and time. And that's actually downplaying the truth because what he has is serious and needs constant monitoring with his cardiologist. He had zero symptoms and zero pain. We found out about this through an EKG at his routine yearly physical.

One random, ordinary day last week, his cardiologist called me up and said he saw his EKG results and to get him to the ER as fast as I could. Yes, that happened. Yes, it was scary. He checked out fine, didn't even have to stay for observation. We left a few hours later with a mile long checklist of tests and follow ups to tend to.

So life after that day and before some more testing was hella difficult to navigate. All the feels set in. Fear. Anger. Disbelief. Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. All of this at a time in my life when I am medication free. I no longer take sedatives. Heck, I can't even drink wine anymore because it puts my reflux into overdrive.

I am raw and dealing. One cool September day in betwixt I was driving to the drugstore to peruse the cosmetics aisle. This is my therapy. As I was driving, I passed a church. It's an old church that was founded in the late 1800's that I have driven by almost daily for the last 15 years of my life. I didn't stop but I began to pray for church in the form of community to show up in my life. I asked for love to be beamed our way and that light surround us as we learn how to live through the next couple of weeks. I prayed to my God to be with me through this.

I haven't really shared much about my spiritual beliefs. I have that "don't talk politics or religion" rule ingrained in me from a young age and truly, with the political shit-show going on over at Facebook, (and the massive loss of friends on there) I just decided that I don't need to open up to everyone about my beliefs.

In the car, passing that church, I had this moment of knowing exactly what I needed. I put out a call to all the women I knew that would hold Zak in folds of golden light or pray for his wellness. I created a prayer circle. Women got on their knees to pray for the health of my husband. I believe in the power of prayer and the magic of positive vibes. We repeat that saying often "positive vibes" . . . but this time, we {he and I} truly felt the magnitude of love and prayers being sent our way.

Meshed into my beliefs is the honoring of the female, the goddess, the divine feminine. She who bleeds, who gives life, who nurtures. And inside the fury and chaos of all of this heart centered dis(ease), a young woman happened upon me with a message. A woman who I do not know stopped me outside of a department store and gave me a card with her name and phone # on it with this Bible verse: "She is a tree of life to those who embrace her; those who lay hold of her will be blessed." Proverbs 3:18

I heard you.

I hear you.

I care not for her religion. She was a messenger delivering the message to me. {Received}.

One week ago, I pulled a card that prompted me to pull another that prompted me to pull yet another that all pretty much said the same thing. A message is coming.

Yesterday I saw a healer. She is a woman I know in my day to day life but she had yet to open up to me about being a healer. Because, really . . . who says that on the first date? She is a fairly new friend and we have slowly developed a kind of trust between each other. When I shared with her Zak's current health status, this is when she opened up and told me she is a healer.

I met my messenger.

I found my healer.

We are going to be ok.

I share this story not because I'm an open book . . . But because I have learned from this that I was blocked and stifled and scared and ashamed and closed off, the total opposite of open. I fell down on my ass . . . hard . . . thinking I was fine . . . I was good . . . All the soul work was done for the time being. I mean, I just came of one of the most spiritual experiences of my existence not two months before . . .

(I know that some of you will disagree with me on that - and I respect that - but please know this is true).

I share this story because I know love to be a boundless energy that heals all things. I share this to remind you to keep that luscious, beating, juicy heart of yours open to the messages that want to come through. Sometimes, they suck. Sometimes, they will change your life.

xx

As a photographer, Bella Cirovic is curator and keeper of life's most sacred moments. Her clients have said she has a way of capturing them in instances of magic and whimsy and that her steadying presence helps them feel at home in their skin.

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She witnesses stories while living her own healing adventure. Bella's photography and video work have been featured in magazines, print, books, and documentary films, including 2017 Manhattan Film Festival pick, Bright Lights by Jen Lee.

An impassioned lover of nature, Bella works with earth and plant medicine for  purposes of deep soul examination, sacred ritual, and ceremony. From this passion her enchantment​ with perfume blending was born. She now offers her handmade talismans and treasures in the form of anointing oils, elixirs, space cleansing mists, and oil concentrates in her soulful online boutique. She considers herself a light bringer, a companion for the journey who adds a playful and trusting energy to the circles she is invited to or a part of.

Bella C.

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